I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
