Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
