At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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