her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
