Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
