You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
