Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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