I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
