This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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