I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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