I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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