i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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