Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
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She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize