ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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