I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
