clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
