ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i think im in europe. pls send help
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
