sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
