New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
