Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize