Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
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It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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