Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
