I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
