I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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