I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
