Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
