U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
