thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i love accidental penises.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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