if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
