I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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