is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
