How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she told me i tasted like america
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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