Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
