Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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