He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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