I'm eating all of the evidence.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
