Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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