Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
