Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
