i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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