if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
