Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
