What a fucking waste of an outfit
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i was born a porn star she said
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
