They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
