You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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