yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
