im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
