I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Operation Purity has been aborted
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
