I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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