Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
