my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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