I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's shark week go big or go home
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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