It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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