oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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