I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
